It’s that time again, where the world comes together to celebrate a certain Rio De Janeiro-based global sporting event that for trademark reasons we can’t say the name of. In the lead up to this special time in all of it’s chaotic glory, we thought it only right to celebrate the finest athletes of the automotive arena: the fastest, the strongest, the most poised contenders on the road today.
These are machines at the pinnacle of their respective fields, without the need for modifications or any funny business. Naturally, that means Lada’s are banned. You know why.
100m Dash (0-100 km/h challenge)
The 100m Dash is all about getting up to speed as quickly as possible, and as Usain Bolt’s exploits on the track and in the olympic village are likely to attest to, it’s all about low-down torque here. Only manufacturer released times are accepted here, because as we all know, it doesn’t count unless you can do it when the officials are watching.
Gold: Arial Atom 500 (UK) – 2.3 Secs
Silver: Porsche 918 Spyder (Germany) – 2.5 Secs
Bronze: Bugatti Veyron Supersport (France) – 2.5 Secs
400m Sprint (1/4 Mile run)
As was aptly pointed out to me by a colleague, 400m is exactly a 1/4 mile, meaning it sets the benchmark for raw speed just as much in the Automotive world as it does on the track.
Gold: Bugatti Veyron Supersport (France) – 9.7 Secs
Silver: Ferrari LaFerrari (Italy) – 9.7 Secs
Bronze: McLaren P1 (UK) – 9.8 Secs
Weightlifting (Towing Capacity)
While the gold medal at Rio is more than likely to go to either the Chinese or a frighteningly strong eastern European, the Spares Box weightlifting competition is a little more balanced, with the ability to produce torque and haul anything being the name of the game.
Gold: Ford F150 (USA) – 5500kg w/524nm torque
Silver: Chevrolet Silverado (USA) – 5400kg w/ 620nm Torque
Bronze: Dodge RAM (USA) – 4200kg w/ 555nm torque
Marathon (Combined Fuel Economy)
If there is one event that proves being the fastest isn’t always everything, it’s the marathon. Our most frugal automotive marathoners of 2016 are those that have the ability to travel long distances while using the least amount of fuel.
Tightening emission standards in Australia and abroad has led to an increasing shift towards downsizing, turbocharging and hybrid engines and has seen a number of new contenders emerge, ready to challenge for the title of ‘most frugal vehicle on Australian roads.
Electric/hybrid vehicles are explicitly BANNED – you don’t see marathon runners competing with electric lungs.
Gold: Audi A1 Diesel (Germany) – 3.8L/100km
Silver: Mini Cooper D (UK) – 3.9L/100km
Bronze: Fiat 500 Hardtop (Italy) – 3.9L/100km
Rhythmic Gymnastics (Highest Sales in Australia)
As anyone who’s either seen a rhythmic gymnast or a car salesman in action will tell you, selling a car isn’t necessarily down to how good it in any particular area. Rather, it’s about the way you sell it, and it boils down to a celebration of style over substance (at least until you take it for a test drive). Free of the glitter and spandex, here’s the medal winners.
Gold: Toyota Corolla (Japan)
Silver: Toyota HiLux (Japan)
Bronze: Ford Ranger (USA)
Decathlon (Nurburgring Lap Time)
The Decathlon is a showcase of the ability to dominate the track, the field and every different type of movement required of an athlete. The Nurburgring brings this out in the world’s finest cars, and only a vehicle with the perfect balance of raw speed and handling will take home the glory.
Gold: Radical SR8 (UK) – 6:56:08
Silver: Porsche 918 Spyder (Germany) – 6:57:00
Bronze: Lamborghini Aventador LP 750-4 Superveloce (Italy) – 6:59.73